Today, I am letting go.... of pain, hurt, guilt I have so often felt in the past surrounding our beloved dog, Rocky. I rarely discuss the events of the fateful evening that changed my life in so many ways. To write about this, literally hurts me, I physically hurt. My throat is closed, my body is tight and my heart aches but I truly have to let this go. I have to move on and treasure the memories made and not let this control my feelings any longer. I have heard it said, that the level of pain we feel when a pet passes away equals the level of love we shared with our dogs while they were with us.
I let Rocky outside in the evening, Bill had just left to help his sister move her television. We never went out with Rocky, he knew the yard boundaries and always came back to the front porch when he was done doing his business. As I shut the door, he looked back at me and our eyes met for a couple seconds. I was hyper-aware of this situation, I remember looking into his eyes and moments later he turned away and I shut the door. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I wished I could have done things differently. I would have given anything to have called him back in, to go outside with him and watch him, for anything but our outcome.
Glimpses.... I see lights, I see cars stopped in front of our house... I see a woman running through our yard... Confusion. "Do you have a yellow lab? He's been hit. He's alive." That moment is.. surreal.
He's alive, he's alive. I am under the car with him, he's breathing hard and with every breath a mist of blood comes out. They tell me he tried to get up. The couple is heartbroken, so upset. I continue to tell them it's not their fault, honestly, I feel so bad for them. Both sides of this situation are unbelievably horrible to be in. Rocky is 90 lbs., 13 years old, has arthritis in the hips but I just know that he's going to make it, he has to, there is no way that it ends like this. I call Bill frantically "Get home now, get home! Rocky is hurt, help me!" As he's racing home, I put my arms around Rocky, I put my forehead to the ground. The weather is freezing, I'm outside in a t-shirt and don't feel a thing, I was completely in shock. Bill has rushed home, I go inside for a towel and we transfer Rocky into our car.
Racing down the street, I am literally going 30 mph over the speed limit. I remember Bill being in shock, holding Rocky and stroking his fur. I remember yelling "Talk to him, tell him he's going to make it!" "Rocky, don't you dare let go, you are going to be okay, you are so strong buddy!" And Rocky is holding on, he's struggling but he's holding on for us.
We pull up to the Emergency clinic and they rush Rocky back to evaluate the situation. Bill and I sit there in silence. They update us every couple minutes, the doctor is optimistic. We are invited back after about a 1/2 hour. They are out of options.... I remember asking "If this was your dog, what would you do?" The look in her eyes said it all, the doctor and vet tech are both crying. This cannot happen. The doctor offers to euthanise him after we compose ourselves. At that moment, I put my hand on the small of his back and start talking.... "Rocky, we are here. We love you so much. We want you to let go. You have been so strong for us, we love you. Rocky, go to heaven, sweetheart. Let go. It's okay, Rocky, let go." Heart rate slows down... slower and slower. His final moments are peaceful, we surround him with our love, he is gone in less than a minute.
I don't remember much after that, everything is blurry. We are given time with him in a small room. We write a large, large check. We choose to have him cremated. A slow fog of guilt begins to creep in, I am unaware at first. Bill says over and over "This is not your fault." I pretend to listen, I pretend to be okay.
No matter what anyone has said, I have continued to feel guilt for 2 years. If I hadn't let him out, this would not have happened. Simple as that. The situation was out of my control but I could control the feelings I had, and immense guilt built up. In fact, as each day passed, I wasn't feeling better, I was letting this affect my life in a big way. I have had a very hard time putting into words the stress it amounted to. It has taken over 2 years for me to write this, to actually really put into words what happened that night and how it has impacted how I live my life.
Many lessons were learned that night. Life changed. As silly as this sounds, it made me realize that bad things happen to good people. Simple as that. I will never, ever, ever let a dog out without watching him. And I will always have anxiety when my dog is outside. But I will be ok.
There is no comfort to come out of this situation.... but it could have been so much worse. Rocky fought to hard for us in the end, he knew he wasn't alone, he let go when he knew we were ready. We'll never know what he was doing in the road, we'll always question that. I ache for his presence, what I wouldn't give to have his wet nose nudge my hand for the 100th time to pet him. It might be the end of his time with us but it is the beginning of his time as our guardian angel.
How lucky Rocky was to have been loved by our family. Even more, how lucky our entire family is to have had him in our lives and be loved by him. I truly feel that Rocky was a blessing to Bill and I in our home. We loved him with all of our hearts.
